Sadie’s Story

Two weeks ago today, life was completely normal. I had two beautiful, seemingly healthy little girls, stressed out only over little things like keeping the house clean, and had just made the decision to quit my part-time job to be at home full time with my babies. Even though I  had a three year old and a newborn, life wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Sadie was proving herself to be the perfect baby. She’s a great sleeper, only fusses when she really needs something, gives out smiles constantly, is extremely laid back, and just has the sweetest little personality. All babies are sweet, but there’s just something special about her- it’s as if God gave her a little extra sprinkling of sugar when He made her. If all babies were as easy as she is, I wouldn’t be able to stop having them!

pure sugar

A few weeks ago I started to notice that Sadie had a really exaggerated startle reflex. At times, she would do it over and over again, even if there was nothing around to give her a reason to. Her eyes would get really wide when her arms went out, almost like she was scared of something. Carli never did anything like that, but I just figured Sadie was really sensitive. Babies have such an underdeveloped nervous system anyways and make weird movements all the time. I didn’t think anything of it.

My mom visited a couple weeks ago, and she also noticed Sadie making these movements. She also thought she was just doing the startle reflex all newborns do, but thought it was odd that she would do it numerous times before she stopped. Again, we just blamed it on an underdeveloped nervous system and normal reflexes.

Not long after my mom left I noticed that before Sadie started these weird jerky reflexes, she would squint her eyes, then would go cross-eyed for a few seconds before being able to re-open them. New babies have a hard time focusing, but it struck me as odd. I asked a group of girlfriends about all these weird things she was doing, telling them it was as if she was having little seizures. I didn’t actually think they were seizures, but it was the only word I could think of to describe it. A friend of mine (who is a nurse) told me that a seizure wouldn’t stop if I pick her up. I thought surely she would stop flailing her arms if I picked her up, so I tried the next day when she started doing it after waking from a nap. I held her tight and her arms wouldn’t stop making those movements. That’s when I knew something was wrong.

So I did what all worried moms do. I googled. Somehow my google search led me to a condition called “Infantile Spasms.” The more I read, the more I was trying to convince myself that she didn’t have it. There was no way my baby could have something this horribly wrong with her. It’s a rare type of seizure disorder, found only in infants, that causes significant brain damage. Most babies who have this (90%) go on to have severe developmental and cognitive delays. More than 50% of babies with Infantile Spasms will suffer from some other sort of epilepsy later in life.

After I found this scary diagnosis, I do what I always do when I’m worried one of my kids has something horribly wrong with them. Look for a reason she wouldn’t have this- so I kept googling. The description of the spasms didn’t sound like the movements she made. However, when I found YouTube videos of babies with infantile spasms, my heart sank. Their movements were almost identical to Sadie’s.

I showed Nick, and he agreed that our daughter could most definitely have this. I made an appointment with her pediatrician the next day, who set us up with an EEG and referred us to a neurologist. Unfortunately, as with most specialists, we weren’t able to get her seen by a pediatric neurologist for another 3 weeks. Our pediatrician thought the movements might be caused by silent reflux, and prescribed Zantec. I was hopeful she was right, but my gut just told me differently.

24 hours after our pediatrician appointment, Sadie had several more episodes. I didn’t feel like we could wait three more weeks for answers, so I took her to the emergency room at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. My husband and I both decided it was worth the $100 copay just to give us a peace of mind that nothing was horribly wrong with her. As soon as the ER physician saw a video that I took of Sadie having one of her episodes, he brought a neurology team in to look at her. Within an hour she was admitted and hooked up to an EEG.

That whole evening was a blur. I hadn’t prepared myself at all to be admitted, and I definitely hadn’t prepared myself for the worried looks on the doctors faces and the sense of urgency they had. I had fully expected to be sent home, feeling silly that I drove my baby to an emergency room an hour away just to be told she has really bad reflux. I called Nick, and he left work to come be with us at the hospital. His parents just so happened to be in town that weekend, so Carli was taken care of. My good friend Holli brought me clothes, my toothbrush and a few other things at home to get me through the night. I remember sitting in the hospital room with her, eating Chickfila and trying to talk  about anything but what was actually happening. I had no idea what the tests that were being run on Sadie would find, and I didn’t want to even think about it.

I got about 30 minutes of sleep that night. Sadie had several seizures, and my heart was breaking every time. It was so hard to see her, lying in a hospital bed with electrodes glued to her head and wires connecting her to a machine. I wanted to be able to make everything better, just like I do with my older daughter. Clean it, kiss it, and put a band-aid on it. But this was a boo boo I couldn’t fix.

The next morning she had an MRI, and that moment was one of the hardest moments to get through. The doctor warned me that I may not want to be with her while she was being sedated because it can be a pretty big shock. There was no way I was going to let her be sedated without me in there with her. Right before the doctor injected the propofol into her IV, she started getting fussy- poor thing was so hungry! It had been almost 10 hours since she was last able to eat. Within a matter of seconds of the getting the propofol, she immediately stopped fussing and became pale and completely limp. It broke me to see her that way. As I watched her tiny little body be placed into the big MRI machine I wanted so bad to take her away from that room and just run as fast as I could with her out of the hospital.

I called my mom as soon as I got back to our little waiting room. I remember crying so hard I could barely speak. I didn’t want them to find anything on the MRI, but at the same time I was slightly hopeful they would. I had gone through different diagnoses in my head, and a part of me hoped it was an easily treatable brain tumor. Anything involving the brain is scary, and that seemed like the best option out of everything else.

After several more tests were taken, including an x-ray, we were finally able to speak with the neurologist about her diagnosis. He showed us the EEG and confirmed what I was fearing the most- Sadie had an extremely rare and catastrophic form of epilepsy- infantile spasms (West’s Syndrome). Her brain was a mess of high voltage chaotic patterns. Patterns which prevent progression and cause regression. Patterns that would cause irreversible brain damage. At first I felt relief in knowing that we finally had answers. Then I felt as if I’d been kicked in the stomach. The neurologist was very blunt with us and did not sugarcoat her diagnosis. I felt as if I was losing my beautiful, perfect baby girl. What did this mean for her? I never pictured her not having a life like her sister.  I never imagined raising a kid with special needs. It was so much to take in. I kept probing the doctor, trying to get him to say that our case was different. Sadie would beat the odds and be okay. He didn’t. He couldn’t.

With infantile spasms, you treat it very aggressively. Each day having spasms is a day lost. We chose the medication Vigabatrin (Sabril) because Sadie was also having partial seizures before her spasm episodes and this type of medication would treat both the seizures and the spasms. We were warned that this medication could cause irreversible vision damage, but that seemed like a better option than irreversible brain damage. Sadie didn’t respond right away to the medication, and it was very discouraging. She would start the day off well, then have several episodes in the afternoon. Some days she would have long episodes (the longest being 16 minutes long) and some days her episodes would only last 2-3 minutes. It seemed that we would take two steps forward, then one step back. We were finally discharged six days after she was admitted, and she still wasn’t responding to the medication like we wanted her to. But everything that was being done for her at the hospital we could do for her at home. We were still slowly increasing her dose every three days, so we were hopeful that we just hadn’t reached her therapeutic dose yet.

Now we have been home for 4 days, and Sadie is doing much better. We have finally seen a huge improvement and she seems to be responding to the Sabril. We are also extremely hopeful that Sadie will be okay once we maintain full control of these little seizures. We haven’t seen any regression in her development (a really good sign) and she is continuing to meet her milestones. She actually rolled over this weekend! That’s a milestone she really isn’t expected to hit until another month from now. She’s her same sweet self, fully engaged when we talk to her and gives us nonstop gummy smiles. Gosh she’s just amazing. I’ve been blown away by what a little fighter she is. I know God gave her the personality and the strength to be able to handle whatever this condition throws at her.

Looking back at everything, we’ve been able to see God’s hand in all of this. We didn’t have to worry once about Carli- Nick’s parents happened to be here when Sadie was admitted, and my mom was able to be here to take over once we knew we would be staying awhile. We are in the best place we can be for this kind of diagnosis. Scottish Rite Children’s Hospital receives the most infants with this condition than any other hospital in the country- so I felt that she had the best care she could get. There is even a clinic in Atlanta that specifically treats and follows kids with infantile spasms- which is crazy to me because this condition is so rare. We will be making the drive up there regularly now, but I feel blessed that our drive is only an hour away to get such dedicated care. The support we’ve had since this happened has been overwhelming. So many of our great friends came up to see us, bring us groceries, clothes from home, and anything else we needed. Just having them in that little hospital room with us was helpful and made us feel less alone. Three of my good friends visited right after we received her diagnosis- having them with me helped to numb the sting a little bit. Our pastor happened to be in the room with us when Sadie had to have a Vitamin B6 test done. During this test she had Vitamin B6 injected into her veins- and it burns! She was screaming and so uncomfortable- it was pretty traumatic. Just having the extra support in the room provided a sense of peace.

We don’t know how Sadie’s story is going to be written, this is something that is fully out of our control. That’s hard as a parent- I just want everything to be okay for her. I don’t want her to ever struggle. I don’t want kids to make fun of her if she has disabilities. I know that whatever God’s plan is for her life, it’s beautiful. No matter how this impacts her, I know she’ll bring joy wherever she goes. She’ll handle any challenges life throws at her with dignity and grace. She’ll be perfect no matter what.

Life isn’t perfect, and it certainly isn’t easy. Trials like this can break us, or they can make us stronger, better people in the end. I’m at peace knowing that God’s plan always wins in the end. I’m already seeing that at work. I’m holding onto these verses that happened to be a part of my devotions the week I was in the hospital with Sadie:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. -Romans 8:18

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. – 2 corinthians 4:8-9

And just as if God knew I needed the comfort when we were leaving the hospital, this came on the radio as soon as we got in the car to leave. His plan is always better. Always.

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
-“Even If” by Mercy Me
And lastly, here is a video of Sadie having one of her episodes. This is what we showed the doctor in the emergency room, and is a classic clinical sign of infantile spasms. This usually goes misdiagnosed for months as colic or reflux because most pediatricians never see it in their practice. Only 1200 babies get diagnosed each year! Because we caught it so early, we are hoping there will be very little impact to her development.
My advice to other mothers? Always trust your gut when you think something may be wrong with your child. And google isn’t always bad! It’s what I found on google that scared me, and encouraged me to bring her in to get checked out. I’m so thankful we brought her in when we did and didn’t wait. Otherwise, things could have ended up much worse.

Pregnancy Blues

I’m officially three weeks postpartum and am adjusting to being a mama of two. I love the newborn stage- the constant snuggles, their smell, their tiny fingers and toes, those little reflexes, their sweet innocence. And of course the best part…they can’t talk back! If kids stayed babies forever I don’t think I would be able to stop having them! Although some days certainly have been tough (as expected), I am loving it. And even though miss those tiny little kicks and hiccups in my belly, it’s nice to be able to snuggle little Sadie on the outside now.

My pregnancy with Sadie was much different than Carli’s, and somewhat difficult. I had the picture-perfect textbook pregnancy with my first. I exercised regularly, ate almost perfectly, gained the appropriate amount of weight, was extremely happy and excited, became emotional only over the expected stuff (Publix commercials and Mother’s Day ads), and nested the entire nine months. I couldn’t wait to be a mom.

I expected things to go about the same with this pregnancy- I loved being pregnant the first time and didn’t expect to feel any differently with my second. My first trimester was about the same, only leaving me slightly more nauseous. Early in my second trimester we found out we were having another girl- exactly what I wanted. I was ecstatic, and my motivation built to get the girls’ rooms ready, wash and sort out Carli’s baby clothes that had been put away, and start organizing the house to make room for another baby. I couldn’t believe that I was getting exactly what I  had always dreamed about since I was a little girl- raising sisters! It all seemed so surreal.

When I was about 20 weeks pregnant things changed. I can’t really pinpoint what happened, or if there was a certain event that caused it, but my mood instantly shifted. I no longer felt like I was in control of my emotions. I was constantly crying for no reason and lost my motivation to do anything. I became increasingly negative, my appetite became poor, and most days it was hard to function. Even something as simple as making a grocery list seemed daunting. I lashed out and distanced myself from my husband, became a lot quieter around friends, and just went through the motions when I was taking care of Carli. A lot of the time I would sit her in front of a movie so she wouldn’t notice when I went upstairs to cry. In some ways I felt helpless- and also very angry. It terrifies me to not be in control. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just snap out of it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me- my usual personality had done a complete 180, and I  had no idea how to feel like myself again.

People started to notice, and I brushed it off,  blaming it on lack of sleep. It’s easy for me to be vulnerable about things that have happened in the past, but it’s extremely hard for me to be transparent about things I’m currently going through. I don’t like being a burden to people, and most of the time I’ll brush things off thinking it’s no big deal. There are people out there dealing with much worse! I felt selfish and angry with myself. Here I was, carrying a perfectly healthy baby girl with another beautiful and healthy toddler at home, and yet I felt completely torn apart inside. What was wrong with me??

At my 28 week prenatal visit my doctor’s office gave me a depression screen to fill out- normal protocol at that stage in the pregnancy. I remember answering the questions honestly and it giving me a pretty big wake up call. My doctor is amazing, and we had a pretty in-depth discussion about how I had been feeling. I remember telling her that I thought I may have postpartum depression- but I wasn’t postpartum! I had no idea that it can be common to have depression symptoms during pregnancy as well- these mothers being more at risk for postpartum depression. Pregnancy hormones can do some crazy things!

I had never understood how a mother could even go through something like postpartum depression. To me, pregnancy and childbirth were so romanticized, something absolutely wonderful. What in the world could cause a mother to be depressed after going through something so incredibly amazing- giving birth to a sweet baby? It never made sense to me, until now. It’s not something they could necessarily control. They weren’t bad moms for feeling that way either.

It’s hard for me to ask for help. But I was fully aware that if I didn’t I wasn’t only hurting myself, I was hurting my kids. And my poor husband! My doctor and I both decided that I wasn’t high enough risk to need any sort of medication, but I did agree to see a therapist who specializes in working with pregnant women. And honestly, it felt so great to be able to talk to a complete stranger about every little thing. I could fully unload everything I had on my mind to someone who didn’t know or judge me. She helped me to change my line of thinking to thoughts that were more realistic and grace-filled. She taught me how to deal with some of the emotions I  didn’t know what to do with.

Beach therapy

Along with getting professional help, I can’t be thankful enough for the support of my friends. They reached out to me, offered to help in any way they could, and most importantly they prayed for me. The minute I  finally opened up about how I was feeling to some of my friends, I felt as if a burden had been lifted. I no longer felt lonely, I felt support.

By the middle of my third trimester, I was already starting to feel more like myself again. And now, three weeks postpartum, I feel better than I have in months. I’m sure my husband would tell you I’m still slightly nuts- but I think it’s much closer to a level of normal for just having a baby a few weeks ago! I’m not sure where my emotional state would be right now if I hadn’t reached out for help. I don’t feel any signs of postpartum depression right now, and I’m keeping myself very aware of how I’m feeling mentally. I think it’s normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and stressed in this stage of life, but it’s not to the point where it is debilitating. If it gets to that point, I may need to reach out for help again. And I’ve accepted that it’s okay- I need to take care of myself first so I can be the best possible mom for my kids.

To keep myself grounded, I’m trying harder than ever to lower my expectations for myself and my family. More grace, more laughter, more messes, and a greater appreciation of the place I am in my life right now. Understanding that it’s not always going to be easy, and to accept that. To laugh at myself more and be kinder to myself. To ask for help when I need it, and accept that I can’t control everything.

So to anyone who was in my line of fire the past few months- I’m sorry. Thank you to everyone (especially my husband and Carli) who gave me unending grace. If you prayed for me, I felt it. If you fed me, if you offered to help in any way, if you just texted asking me how I was doing- you have no idea the impact that had on me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

 

Facebook vs. Real Life

Taking a perfect photo of kids is tough. Rarely do I get a perfect picture that is social media post-worthy unless I try a hundred times. There’s bribing, making silly faces, jumping up and down like a fool trying to get them to laugh- it can be exhausting at times! However, the results can be hilarious. Reality is refreshing, and so much better than those perfect pictures sometimes. I’m very guilty of posting the most precious pictures on social media, but I also love it when someone posts an unfiltered  picture of their kid. I love seeing kids being kids- because they certainly aren’t perfect! And it makes my crazy life seem a little more normal.

Because I never delete pictures, and because I secretly love those imperfect pictures the best, here is a refreshing dose of picture taking reality (or Facebook vs Real Life, as I like to call it).

I am NOT happy you made me do this

 

The split second she stopped crying, I got a picture as soon as I could (because OF COURSE I had to document her first race on social media!

 

Not impressed with this daddy-daughter date that’s about to go down

 

Did you say dessert? Okay, I’ll give you a half-smile

 

We don’t care if you put us in matching shirts, we’re tired and hungry and aren’t posing for you right now

 

Did you say chicken nuggets? Will a fake smile do?

 

Seriously mom?? Can you at least dress me first before we take this sentimental photo of me looking at my newborn clothes?

 

I’ll only pretend like I care that these clothes are being passed down to my sister if you give me a paci first (filter added for the nostalgic effect of course).

 

I’m hot and I just want to eat the candy that’s in my Easter eggs- so get the phone out of my face please

 

Sometimes we can get her to take a sweet-looking picture with me. She was feeling generous this day- and we had Easter eggs to bribe her with #winning

 

Hey girls- hug and show me how much you love each other!

 

…..a thousand takes later

 

Can we please just GO??

 

After several attempts of two women doing everything we can out of desperation to get 3 kids to smile…not too bad!

 

That’s fine mom- you try and get your selfie in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom, I’ll sit here and pick my nose

Yup, still not feeling the selfie in front of this castle ya’ll

 

We decided on an angle that wouldn’t make it so obvious that she had NO interest in getting this very important picture

And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, that perfect picture just never comes.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! Plus I’m sick, so if you think you’re going to get a good picture of me on my birthday, you’re crazy.

 

Nope. Not today.

 

We tried so hard to get a good Thanksgiving photo this year…

…apparently we didn’t try hard enough

 

I tried so hard this Memorial Day to get a good picture of Carli and her friends. This picture, taken by a random guy at the parade, turned out to be my favorite. Not because my child is obviously having a meltdown due to the heat and lack of a nap, but because this is something I know I’ll look back on and be able to laugh about. Parenting for real.

And other times, you get the perfect photo without even having to try…

Completely captivated. Maybe if I dress up as a princess every time I take a picture she’ll cooperate for me?

Running with my bump

I’ve been a runner for several years, mostly training for and competing in distance events (my favorites being 15ks and half marathons). When I became pregnant with my first daughter, I knew I wanted to continue running, but wasn’t sure of any risks or benefits that would be associated with it. I had friends who ran up to their 40th week of pregnancy, and I was hoping that could be a goal of mine as well.

There are quite a few myths out there about exercising while pregnant. I’ve heard many (older) fitness instructors say pregnant women should not get their heart rate above 140 (not true). I’ve also heard that abdominal exercise should be avoided and that running can be too jarring for the baby (both also not true). The American College of Sports Medicine recommends exercising while pregnant because there are so many proven benefits. Of course, it’s important to be safe. The safe level of exercise depends on the fitness level of the mama.

Running with both my girls- 33 weeks pregnant

Right before I became pregnant with Carli I ran my fastest marathon to that date. I had been training hard all fall, and already had a 15k and half-marathon under my belt (both were PRs for me at the time). I’m a prime example that strenuous training does NOT make you infertile, and I found out I was pregnant with her 3 weeks after the marathon. My body was already in great shape from all the training I had done that fall, so I was able to continue running at about the same speed and distances. Instead of keeping a watchful eye on my heart rate monitor, I exercised at the intensity I felt comfortable at. Some days that was a 7:30 min/mile pace. Other days it was closer to a 9 min/mile pace. Some days I had to stop and take walking breaks, other days I could run 8 miles continuously. The bigger my belly grew, the slower my pace and distances became. Once I hit about 25 weeks I started using a belly support band during runs. This not only kept my belly more comfortable but it also lifted some of the strain off my back.

By the time I was 35 weeks pregnant with Carli I was still running 4-5 days per week, with 5-6 miles being the longest distance I could cover. My last week of pregnancy I was able to run 3-4 miles maximum, and ended up running 3 miles the day I went into labor with her.

A 5k I ran when I was 26 weeks pregnant with Carli

 

A 5k I ran recently- 31 weeks pregnant with my second baby girl

As a runner, one of the best benefits to maintain my running while pregnant was the effects it had on my fitness level post-partum. Even though I was training at much shorter distances and speeds, my body had to learn to be more efficient at transporting oxygen to my working muscles and the baby. Studies have shown that a person’s VO2 max can actually increase when exercising while pregnant, and this definitely proved to be true once I was able to start running again post-partum. I ran my fastest 5k when she was only 3 months old (I didn’t start running again until she was about 7 weeks old). I ran a personal best half-marathon when she was nine months old and beat my marathon time by 5 minutes when she was 19 months old. The crazy thing was, I wasn’t training as hard as I was before I got pregnant- I didn’t have the time to! I really think that my fitness level just improved over the course of my pregnancy, and I was able to maintain that once I started running again.

My first half marathon post partum

With this pregnancy, I’ve been incorporating more strength training. I’m horrible about resistance exercises, in fact, I HATE them. I can run all day long but I hate picking up a dumbbell. Because I wasn’t weight lifting much before I got pregnant, I don’t push myself in this area. There are a few total body conditioning type classes at my gym, which focuses mainly on light weights and a lot of repetition. One class I absolutely love and plan on sticking with it until the baby comes. I’m not overly straining myself, but I’m also building muscle in areas other than just my legs which feels nice.

Something else I’m doing that I didn’t with my first pregnancy is more abdominal exercises. I’m not trying to have a six-pack form immediately after she’s born, but mainly to build strength in my core which can be beneficial for labor and recovery. If there is core work in a fitness class I’m attending, I do have to modify it at times. Doing a full sit up (from laying to sitting position) can put too much strain on the ab muscles and cause them to tear.

After a 4 mile run- nine months pregnant with Carli

Here’s some encouraging evidence about exercising while pregnant from the IOC, based on a systemic review of studies:

  • There is little risk of abnormal response in the baby’s heart rate when exercising at <90% of maximal heart rates in the second and third trimesters.
  • Baby’s birthweight is less likely to be excessively high, but also not a greater risk for being at a low birth weight
  • Exercise does not increase the risk of preterm birth.
  • Exercise during pregnancy does not increase the risk of induction of labour, epidural anesthesia, episiotomy or perineal tears, forceps or vacuum deliveries.
  • There is some evidence that the first stage of labor (before full dilatation) is shorter in exercising women.
  • Exercise throughout pregnancy may reduce the need for caesarean section.
  • Exercising while pregnant can decrease risk of developing gestational diabetes or preeclampsia
  • Exercise can reduce maternal weight gain
  • Exercise enhances psychological well-being (something that has been crucial for me this pregnancy- those hormones have been extra crazy this time around!)

So yes, exercise (in elite athletes, even strenuous exercise) is safe during pregnancy. I have gotten some disapproving looks or looks of shock from some when I’m out running with my big ol’ belly. I know it probably seems weird to some people. But as long as I’m listening to my body, I know both me and my baby are safe.

 

Real Fruit Halo Top Milkshakes

Halo Top ice-cream is a pretty decent version of low calorie ice-cream. It has 6 grams of protein and only 5 grams of sugar per serving, vs 2 grams of protein and 20+ grams of sugar in regular ice-cream. I’ve tried most of the flavors, and while I can’t say any of them taste exactly the same as a bowl of Blue Bell, the taste and texture of some are actually pretty comparable.

There’s nothing like a cold milkshake to have as a treat in the summer, and I’ve tried making some milkshakes using Halo Top recently. The result actually tastes pretty incredible! The best part is that added sugar content is very low compared to regular milkshakes, but it still tastes sweet from the natural sugars occurring in the fruit that I add. Here are three different milkshakes I’ve tried and fallen in love with.

Strawberry Milkshake

  • 1/2 cup strawberry Halo Top ice-cram
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (feel free to use any type of milk you like)
  • 1 cup frozen strawberries
  • 1/2 cup crushed ice

Blend ingredients in blender until smooth.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana milkshake

  • 1/2 cup chocolate Halo Top ice-cram
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (feel free to use any type of milk you like)
  • 1 chopped banana
  • 1 tbsp peanut butter
  • 1/2 cup crushed ice

Blend ingredients in blender until smooth.

Peach Milkshake

  • 1/2 cup vanilla bean Halo Top ice-cream
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (feel free to use any type of milk you like)
  • 1 cup frozen peaches
  • 1/2 cup crushed ice

Blend ingredients in blender until smooth.

 

Have a safe and healthy summer!

This entry was posted in Recipes.

Glass Houses

Going into motherhood, I had quite a few expectations of what I thought parenting would be like. During my first pregnancy I read every book I could on raising kids (which I thought made me some sort of expert), I memorized sleep schedules, and basically expected my baby to conform to the ideal child who adapts perfectly to the textbook discipline, sleep training and potty training regimens that all the experts insist work. Because all kids respond the same, right?

Oh, and as much as I hate to admit it, I would even judge moms I didn’t even know who would be out in public with their kids, looking like a hot mess. I mean, how hard could it really be to prevent your kid from having a massive tantrum in the middle of the toy aisle at Target? And does that 2 year old really need a paci in their mouth? I thought they made it look harder than it really was.

Maybe I just got hit with really bad karma for judging in the first place. Or maybe I’m just raising a perfectly normal two year old who throws mega tantrums (the worst of course being in public places), refuses to sleep without a paci (a battle I’m too scared to fight right now- sleep is just too precious), and is constantly testing her limits. But I got a huge wake-up call when I started this journey called motherhood.

Haha you’re crazy mom if you think I’m going to smile and be cute for this picture

Parenting isn’t easy. It’s messy, it’s selfless, it’s exhausting, and on those days that you can have a sense of humor, it’s hilarious. It’s not the always smiling faces, stain-free and matched clothes, beautifully put-together households and imperfect kids we see on Facebook and Instagram. Real parenting is dealing with mega tantrums, poop (so so much poop),  living off of 5 hours of sleep, making compromises, lots of boo boo’s, bribery, huge messes, and the acceptance of chaos. Even though nothing about parenting is perfect, it comes attached with the greatest love imaginable. I love my daughter and everything about being her mom. The learning curve has definitely been tough, but full of so much adventure.

Over these past 2 (almost 3) years, I’ve accepted the need to give up those expectations I clung so dearly to, and just go along with reality. My expectations were SO stereotypical for a first time mom. And now I find most of them to be pretty humorous.

The Expectations

My baby will stick to a perfect sleep schedule- she will be a Baby Wise poster child.

No child of mine will EVER  act out in public.

No screen time until she’s three years old. Then strict monitoring of no more than 30 minutes per day.

I will NEVER bribe with food-especially not with sweets.

Potty training will be easy. I’ll just do that 3 day boot camp method.

I will never rely on a pacifier to soothe my toddler- it will be gone once she’s a year old.

Of course I will do all of the those Pinterest activities I pinned over the nine months I was pregnant. From DIY projects with toddlers to science experiments- no pin will go unused!

My child will always listen to me, because I’ve read all the books on how to talk and listen to children effectively. I’ll talk to her using toddler-ese when she’s upset (because that’s the best method for talking to toddlers- just read The Happiest Toddler on the Block) and it will work like a charm.

She will always think I’m the greatest mommy ever…no matter what.

The Reality

Sleep schedules are great, but we had to go along with what worked for us. From BabyWise to Moms on Call, Carli refused them all. I think she was almost 2 1/2 before she was consistently sleeping through the night.  I was too tired to listen to her cry it out for an hour (because that’s what she would do) and I really just couldn’t even stand the sound of it. So I let her snuggle in bed with me in the middle of the night and that was the only way any of us would get any sleep. It’s all about survival!

I would love to meet a toddler who has never thrown a tantrum in public. The best tantrums involve throwing and breaking things that I have to end up paying for- there’s a toy store in Peachtree City that I’m sure would love to never see me or my daughter again. The lesson? Never take an overly-tired or overly-hungry two year old to a store and expect them to behave.

I’m not even going to shame myself anymore for allowing screen time. It helps us survive long car rides and grocery shopping trips I can’t avoid taking her on. It allows me to have an uninterrupted run with her in the jogging stroller. It gives me 30 minutes to cook dinner. It allows me to finish a cup of coffee in the morning. Most importantly, it is my golden ticket for preventing the dreaded car nap.

You can bet I never have the toddler who is screaming the entire plane ride. Ipad for the win!

I know better, especially being a dietitian. I bribe with food often. I know, it’s terrible. But- it WORKS. It’s amazing how easy it is to get a toddler out the door when they know a gummy bear is waiting for them as soon as they get buckled into the car seat. Before you start judging- it’s an omega-3 filled gummy, thank you! Just to lessen my own guilt.

Potty training was the most frustrating experience of my life.  That 3 day method? It’s not a one size fits all. My kid wanted nothing to do with it. All that came out of that was the most severe UTI our pediatrician has ever seen. My method? I sat her on the toilet and ate a popsicle in front of her. I said she could have one too if she went. It worked, and after that there was no turning back.

At almost 3 years old, my kid is addicted to her paci. Even though she only has it at nap and bedtime (for the most part….sometimes I whip it out in desperation), I’m about as unwilling for her to part with it as she is. I’ve heard too many stories of kids giving up nap once that paci is gone. No way can either of us survive without nap. And it’s such magic! It transforms a cranky, fussy toddler into a sweet sleepy baby in a nanosecond.

New goal…weaned by kindergarten??

I’ve done maybe two Pinterest activities with her. They always fail miserably. I’m not a crafty DIY type mom- and I’ve stopped pretending to be.

I think I’ll stick to the break and bake cookies next Christmas

Hahahahaha that toddler-ese talk? I’ve tried it, and Carli just looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. Raising her has completely humbled me after reading all those books. She is no textbook child (thank goodness!) and has a mind of her own. I’ve had to get creative with my parenting techniques and usually I just go with my own motherly instincts. The advice I’ve received provides a good foundation, but I’ve had to figure things out on my own throughout the past couple of years.

I know my kid loves me. But she doesn’t always think I’m so great. She’s given me the stink eye on plenty occasions- it’s a look straight out of mean girls and she has perfected it.

How I balance the expectations with reality

I stopped reading and I take well-meaning advice with a grain of salt. I avoid judgmental people and focus on what works best for us. I scroll through my newsfeed knowing that real life isn’t so well put together. I give myself grace, and my daughter even more. I laugh at the chaos when it used to make me cry.

It can be so easy to fall into the infamous “mommy wars.” It’s hard to not aim for perfection and let everyone think that I don’t have any flaws as a mother. Shame is very real, and if I focus on what everyone else thinks I’m doing wrong, I’m doing harm to both me and my kid. My closest friendships with other moms involve the ones who can be just as transparent around me- there is something so liberating about wearing your imperfections with no shame or judgement. We are all doing the best we can to survive some of the toughest, yet most incredibly rewarding years of our lives. Why hold back?  Authenticity is so much better than trying to be perfect.

The best part about motherhood? It’s an adventure, never boring and full of learning curves. Even with all those messy, chaotic, and exhausting days- the snuggles, hearing the words “I love you mommy” for the first time, the sweet little giggles, the big grins on their faces when you see them after being gone for awhile, and the big bear hugs make it all so incredibly worth it.

Our kids after a friend and I came home from a long run- these little faces are the best!

 

And one more because….#blessed

Eating for Two

I would have to say that one of the biggest differences between this pregnancy and my first is that I’m a lot less strict about what I’m eating. The first time around I cut caffeine cold turkey, obsessed about calories (was I  getting too little? Too much?) and tried to avoid heavily processed foods as much as possible.  I was so worried that the smallest glitch in my diet would produce a baby who wasn’t healthy, and I didn’t want to be responsible for doing anything to potentially harm her.

Now even though I still make sure I’m eating as healthy as possible to give both myself and my growing baby the nutrients we need, I’ve definitely learned that balance is okay. I’m also trying to not focus so hard on what I shouldn’t be eating, and more on what I should be eating. When I know I can’t have something, it makes me want it even more. All I want is a deli sandwich for lunch and a large plate of sushi with wine for dinner. Why is it that the foods I know I can’t have are the ones I crave the most??

Most OB doctors and midwives spend a good deal of time talking with expecting mothers about the foods that are off limits. Rarely is there time spent on reviewing the foods and nutrients that bring benefits to expecting mothers and babies- even though it’s just as important!

Pregnancy is a time of high metabolic and nutrition demands. It’s important to remember that even though you are feeding both yourself and baby, the baby is not the size of another adult. Calorie needs are higher during pregnancy, but you don’t need to literally “eat for two.” Conversely, it’s important to meet the higher calorie needs to support a healthy growing environment for your baby. Eating too little can cause intrauterine growth restriction, low birth-weight, and may even set metabolic markers in place that results in the baby being more likely to become obese as an adult. There’s evidence that if that baby’s not getting adequate nutrition in utero, it causes their tiny bodies to think they will have very little to survive on. This can result in their metabolism being impacted long term. A poor diet during pregnancy can also put the baby at risk for insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes mellitus, and cardiovascular disease later in life. So what can you do to make sure you are giving your growing baby and body everything it needs?

What you need

Folic Acid

This important nutrient is found in all prenatal supplements. In fact, it’s role in neural tube defect prevention is largely why practitioners say taking a prenatal vitamin is so important! I actually recommend that women of childbearing age aim to get an ample amount of folic acid in their diets, either from foods or a supplement, before trying to get pregnant. The reason? Because of the amount of development that happens in those first few weeks post-conception, you’ll want to make sure that you aren’t folic acid deficient from the start. Food sources of folic acid include orange juice, fortified cereals, beans, lentils, leafy greens, and whole grains.

Iron

Iron needs are high during pregnancy due to increased blood volume, fetal development, and the possibility of blood loss during delivery. Iron needs increase as the pregnancy progresses. It’s important for proper brain function, especially in the development of the hippocampus (which is responsible for memory formation and emotional regulation). Because the baby’s brain experiences a growth spurt in the 3rd trimester and then relies on iron stores obtained in utero to sustain growth for the first sixth months of life, consistent and adequate iron intake is essential during pregnancy. Children who aren’t exposed to enough iron prenatally have been shown to have poor cognitive and motor skill development due to improper gray-matter organization. Iron-deficient children tend to suffer learning and behavioral problems and also show abnormal cognitive development into their late teens.

Iron is found in a variety of plant and animal foods as well. The type of iron found in animal foods (red meat, seafood) is referred to as heme iron, and is absorbed best by our bodies. Nonheme iron is found in many plant foods, the best sources being spinach and other leafy greens, dried fruits, beans and peas, tofu, seeds, nuts, soy milk and fortified breakfast cereals. Nonheme iron has a decreased rate of absorption by the body, so if you are getting most of your iron from non-animal sources try consuming a good source of Vitamin C in the same meal. The acidity will help to absorb the iron. Avoid consuming nonheme iron sources with foods high in tannins and phytate (coffee, tea, bran, soy and pinto beans, potatoes) because they compete for absorption and reduce iron availability. Iron isn’t commonly found in prenatal supplements, since the calcium found in these will bind to it and reduce absorption. If you are anemic you may need to take an iron supplement throughout your pregnancy.

Calcium

Calcium absorption is increased in pregnancy, which typically results in positive calcium balance. You will still want to get calcium from food sources, because prenatal supplements only provide about 500mg (the maximum amount that can be absorbed by the body at once). Aim for at least 2 extra servings of calcium per day. Aside from cow’s milk, good sources include yogurt, leafy greens, beans, soy/nut/rice/hemp milk and fortified juices and cereals.

Vitamin D

Vitamin D deficiency during pregnancy is currently the focus of ongoing research. It has been suspected to be linked to preeclampsia, low birth weight, poor postnatal growth and higher incidence of autoimmune disease in babies. The best food sources of Vitamin D is oily fish, fortified foods (some dairy products, soy milk, cereals), egg yolks and cheese.

Omega-3’s

The omega-3 fatty acid DHA is a necessary part of cell membranes and is important for brain development. Babies born with higher umbilical cord plasma levels of DHA have been found to have higher memory function once they are school-age. Sources of DHA  include fatty fish (salmon, herring, anchovy), fish oils, and fortified egg and dairy products. ALA is a fatty acid that is converted to DHA, and is found in flax seed, hemp seeds, walnuts, canola oil and leafy greens. The conversion of ALA to DHA can be reduced by having an excess of omega-6 fatty acids in the diet. Sources of omega-6 fats include animal meats, eggs and vegetables oils (corn, safflower, soybean and sunflower). Aim for obtaining fats from DHA and ALA sources, and less from omega-6 sources.

My favorite lunch- salmon with salad and quinoa. The quinoa isn’t fancy, it’s straight out of a steamable bag found at Target. BUT it tastes amazing!

 

Strive for balance and variety

Eating a well balanced diet when pregnant may result in having a child who’s more inclined to try and accept a larger variety of foods. Around 21 weeks post conception, babies start talking gulps of the amniotic fluid surrounding them- and it actually tastes like the foods and beverages mom has consumed in the past couple of hours! It was hard for me to pass up sweets in my first pregnancy- and my firstborn loves them (but then again, what kid doesn’t love sugar??). But she also loves and is willing to eat about any vegetable I put in front of her. Something else I ate a lot of when I was pregnant with her!

To make sure you are getting the most balance and variety in your diet as possible when pregnant, aim for lots of color in your meal. The more colorful your meal, the more nutritious it is! Try to avoid an all brown or all white plate. I know this can be hard in the first trimester- I lived off buttered pasta and bread for two months straight! Once the nausea wears off and food tastes good again, really try to focus on that good nutrition. It’s when it matters the most.

BLT and homemade sweet potato fries. My favorite summer meal. I crave bacon when I’m pregnant!

You’ll want to ask yourself each meal if you are getting all of the major nutrients (fat, carbohydrate, protein). Aim for carbohydrates that are high in fiber like fruits and whole grains. Reach for lean proteins and healthy fats. I know I feel much more energetic when I eat a healthy balanced meal- especially in that 3rd trimester! With my last baby, it was extremely difficult to eat a full meal once I was past 30 weeks. Especially since I  was so pregnant in the heat of the summer! I have a short torso, and eating the littlest bit made me feel overly full. Instead of focusing on meals, I tried to make the most out of snacking. I would snack about once every 1-2 hours, still incorporating a variety of all the major nutrients. Smoothies were my best friend! Much easier to eat spinach and fruits blended together with flaxseed than making myself eat a big salad or heavy meal.

Balance doesn’t just mean eating that perfect plate. It’s about treating yourself a little bit too! My sweet tooth definitely comes out when I’m pregnant, and it can be hard to control at times. I remember having one of those huge cupcakes from a food truck in Austin, TX when I was about 27 weeks pregnant with Carli. I told myself I would only eat 1/2 and finish the rest later, but I couldn’t stop from eating the whole thing. It was delicious and Carli seemed to enjoy it too- the gymnastics she did in my belly from the sugar rush kept me up until almost 2AM that night!

My love for cupcakes passed through to her in utero

Eating a healthy diet during pregnancy isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing what you can to provide the best nutrition for yourself and your growing baby. I’ve definitely had to give up the guilt I’ve had for not passing up my morning coffee or being too tired to make anything other than a bowl of cereal for dinner (or..ahem..ice-cream) some nights. I just make sure that 80-90%  of the time I’m filling my body with the best nutrition I can give it- and in just 13 more weeks, I’ll be enjoying that big plate of sushi and tall glass of red.

 

 

Real Fruit Popsicles

Last weekend I took Carli to pick strawberries for the first time this season. Unfortunately, most of the berries were either not ripe enough or very close to being too ripe. It’s early in the picking season so hopefully later this spring there will be a better selection. Carli loves to fill up her bucket, so we had a pretty good quantity of strawberries to bring home that were only edible for a few days. 

I decided to freeze most of them to put into smoothies later on. I recently purchased Popsicle molds from Amazon and had promised Carli we would make our own popsicles soon. I thought it may be fun to try and make popsicles out of some of the fresh strawberries that were starting to become over-ripe. It was something my two year-old could easily help me with, and it was pretty cool to teach her how to make something with one of the freshest ingredients possible- fresh fruit that she picked from the ground herself!

First, I sliced the strawberries into small pieces. Then I let Carli fill each mold to the top with the berries.

After the molds were full with strawberries, I added lemonade to the top of the molds to fill the spaces between the berries. I froze them overnight, but they only took about 4 hours to set.

They were definitely a hit! I felt good about letting her eat them for a treat the next afternoon- much lower in added sugars than the popsicles you would find at the grocery store. Another option would be to add yogurt instead of lemonade to hold the berries together- we are going to try that next time! Maybe I can trick Carli into thinking it’s ice-cream.

 

 

Here’s some other combinations that may be worth trying:

Kiwi, peaches and strawberries with fruit juice of choice (dilute the juice for less sugar)

Strawberries, blueberries and raspberries with vanilla yogurt or grape juice (this would be perfect for a Memorial Day or 4th of July treat!)

Blueberries and Greek yogurt

Oranges, pineapple and grapefruit with orange or pineapple juice

Chicken Salad Obsessed

The weather is getting warmer, and there’s nothing I love more for a spring/summer lunch (or in my case these days, even a snack) than chicken salad. Lately it’s been one of my biggest cravings and I’ve made several trips to Zoe’s, Chicken Salad Chick and Sprouts to grab a container to have in my fridge at all times. Zoe’s chicken salad was one of Carli’s first foods, and she’s loved it ever since (although there’s not many foods that child doesn’t love). I’ve been wanting to make my own for awhile now to control the ingredients that are going into it, especially since I’m pregnant and also because my two year old will eat so much of it. Only the best for my growing girls! I’ve seen recipes for homemade mayonnaise, and I always intended to use a homemade mayo to put into my chicken salad. At the last minute I decided against the homemade mayo and opted for a mayonnaise that was store bought. I’m all about quick and easy!

After some trial and error, here are my 3 favorite chicken salad recipes that I will be sure to make over and over again this summer. The mayo I used in these recipes can be found here. The only ingredients are avocado oil, organic cage-free eggs and yolks, organic vinegar, organic rosemary and sea salt. It’s sold at our local Publix, and I’m sure you can find it at most large grocery stores or health food stores (such as Sprouts or Whole Foods). It’s a little more expensive than Hellmann’s or Kraft, but the ingredients are definitely higher in quality. If you want to make your own mayo (less expensive but a little more time consuming), here is a good recipe.

Greek Chicken Salad

This is super easy to make, and most closely resembles your typical chicken salad. We had friends come to visit over the weekend, and they loved it!

Ingredients: 

  • 3 cooked chicken breasts (shredded) or you can use chicken from about 1/2 a rotisserie chicken
  • 1 cup chopped celery
  • 1.5 cups sliced red grapes
  • 1/2 cup mayonnaise
  • 1 Tbsp Greek seasoning (see recipe below)

Directions: 

Mix the mayo and Greek seasoning together. Blend with remaining ingredients. Serve with crackers or on top a bed of salad greens.

 

Greek Seasoning Recipe

Mix the following herbs together. Store in an airtight container- you can use this later for a Greek chicken recipe! Yum!

  • 1 Tbsp salt
  • 2 tsp dried basil
  • 4 tsp dried oregano
  • 1 tsp dried thyme
  • 4 tsp onion powder
  • 4 tsp garlic powder
  • 2 tsp onion flakes
  • 2 tsp dried dill
  • 2 tsp pepper
  • 2 tsp dried parsley
  • 2 tsp dried rosemary
  • 1 tsp nutmeg

 

Avocado Chicken Salad

If you love avocado, I promise you will love this. The avocado replaces the mayo in the chicken salad and it’s delicious.

Ingredients: 

  • 3 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded (again you can also use about 1/2 of a rotisserie chicken)
  • 1 avocado (ripe enough to mash)
  • 1/4 cup chopped onion
  • 2 tbsp lime juice
  • 2 Tbsp fresh chopped cilantro
  • salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Mash the avocado and mix with all other ingredients. This tastes really good on top of toasted bread or pita chips.

 

Herb Chicken Salad

This resembles a type of chicken salad I love from Publix. It has a light taste and is delicious. I was able to sneak some veggies into it too, which was a bonus!

Ingredients:

  • 3 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded (again you can also use about 1/2 of a rotisserie chicken)
  • 1/4 cup mayonnaise
  • 2 Tbsp dijon mustard
  • 2 tbsp fresh dill, chopped
  • 2 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped
  • 2 cloves minced garlic
  • 1/2 cup green onion, chopped
  • 1/4 cup shredded carrots, chopped
  • salt and pepper to taste

Directions: 

Stir together the mayo, mustard, dill, parsley, and garlic until smooth. Add the chicken, green onion and carrots. Enjoy!

 

Goodbye 20’s

I’ve officially reached the last week of my 20’s. For years I thought I would dread this moment- I thought the end of my 20’s would mean the end of having fun and the beginning of getting old. I only saw getting older as going to bed early, getting bad knees and dreading the month of March (my birthday month) for the rest of my life. I’m starting to see it’s so much more than that. I actually can’t wait to turn my back on my 20’s- it was fun, I’ve learned some life lessons, by the grace of God I’m still alive (I made some stupid decisions in my early 20’s), and my experiences have shaped me into the adult I am today. I’m ready for a new chapter, one that I hope will be filled more with grace, rest, and deep connections rather than the hustle, selfishness and surface-level relationships I was drawn to a decade ago.

My 21st birthday- this night did not end well.

I look back, and the experiences I’ve had over the past 10 years feels more like a lifetime. I graduated college, grew to be completely independent from my parents, met my husband- got engaged to my husband- and married my husband, overcame the challenges of struggling with an eating disorder, lived in four different states, became a registered dietitian, worked for two different companies, traveled all over North America, ran 6 marathons, and became a mother. I’ve gained some very meaningful relationships, but I’ve also lost some. I’ve gained a boatload of wisdom, and I’m a much stronger person than I was in my early 20’s. I’ve learned that I can’t let people walk all over me. I’ve found my voice- I’m not at timid as I once was.

I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t think I ever will! That’s the beautiful thing about getting older- you are continuously learning from experiences. Looking back, oh how I would have done things so much differently if I knew then what I  know now! I catch myself saying all the time- “If I only knew.” Even though there are so many things I could change about my past that would have made my life then (and even today) a little bit easier, I wouldn’t do it. Constantly falling and getting back up is what has made me a stronger person. It’s given me confidence and I’ve learned from my mistakes. The best part is, I can take those mistakes and help other young people who are struggling with the same thing. God never wastes a hurt. I believe that firmly now.

There are areas that I’m working on to make my 30’s more grace-filled, restful, and deeply connected than my 20’s. The past 10 years have worn me out, both physically and emotionally. I’m starting to learn- it’s just not worth it.

People-pleasing: NO MORE

If there was an award for pleasing other people and not ever letting others down, I would win it. It doesn’t matter who it is, it could be someone I met 30 minutes ago or someone I’ve known my whole life, I want to make people happy. Most would say this is a good quality. It can be, but not if you’re letting down the people who are closest to you in order to win over the approval from others. It’s good to be dependable and a hard-worker. Those are qualities I’ll always want to possess, but no longer at the expense of my own well-being and certainly not at the expense of my family. I’m tired of constantly letting my husband or daughter down just so others will praise me for being a good and dependable person. I’m learning to find balance here, and it’s been difficult to navigate. Not only because I feel guilty for saying the word “no,” but also because I feel that some of the value I place on myself comes from making other people happy, no matter what the cost. But I’m looking at my own family, and they want me to be present more. Not for other people, but for them. My husband and two girls will always come first, followed by my closest friends and the rest of my family, followed by everyone else.

Not everyone is going to like me

I want everyone to be my best friend. I don’t ever want to offend anyone, I don’t want to make people mad because my opinion is different from theirs, and I certainly want everyone to approve of me. I know this is all normal, especially for women. My husband could care less what other people think of him- I envy him for that! I also get envious of women, usually who are much older than I am (like my mom or some of my older friends), who say that they just don’t care what people think of them anymore. They are going to be their own person and not let people’s opinions get in the way of that. Gosh, what a burden would be lifted off of my shoulders if I felt that way! This is hard for me, but definitely a goal of mine. It’s difficult to form deep relationships with people if you are always at the surface level, just because you are worried about what they are going to think of you. The more I’ve come out of my shell and allowed myself to open up and just be me, the deeper some of my friendships have grown. And some have grown to be more distant. As hard as it is for me to be okay with that, I’m accepting it. I would much rather have close connections that allow me to be comfortable being myself, than just having surface-level relationships.

More rest

I spent my 20’s focused on being exhausted and shrinking. This is where I found most of my value. I think that’s part of the reason why I loved marathon training so much. After a 20 mile run my body would feel drained and small. This tired and thin body was everything to me, and if I didn’t feel as light as a I wanted to or if I didn’t wake up the next morning still feeling tired, I felt worthless. I hate that my mind has become so addicted to that feeling, and it’s been hard to erase. It’s different from getting a high after a good workout at the gym or feeling proud of yourself because you ate healthy that day. I was a slave to it. And now? My almost 30-year old body feels like it’s 60 sometimes. Everything still works well and my knees are still holding up great (thank you Jesus), but sometimes I feel as if the abuse I put my body through for so long has taken its toll. I know I can’t treat my body like this forever, I only have one! Gone are the 2-3 workouts a day, exercising even when I feel exhausted (I’m no longer afraid of lying on the couch if I need it), and 15 mile runs in the heat of the day. I want to take care of my body and give it some grace. I stay active as much as I can and do an actual workout 5 days per week. I rest when I need it, and am no longer finding value in how tired or small I feel.

I miss racing as much as a used to, but am definitely enjoying the quality time I get to spend with friends and family as a result of not training for such long hours!

More play

I want everything to be perfect and look perfect all the time. I am always looking for something to do- sweep the floors, fold laundry, load the dishwasher- it just stresses me out if these things pile up. I about have a panic attack if my kitchen floors are dirty! I promise you, I hate being late to anything, but cleaning up dirty floors always takes priority to getting out the door. This drives my husband (and even more recently Carli) absolutely crazy. I’m not sure what made me to be wired this way, but the past 10 years I have always felt as if I have to earn rest and playtime. Work hard, play hard is my motto. If everything is done, if the house looks perfect, if I got my workout in….then we can have fun. I don’t want my kids to look back and just remember a mom who was there, but not really there. Instead of rushing around making sure everything is in place all the time, I want to be certain that I am fully present in their lives. No, it won’t ever get it the point where I’m okay with living in a filthy house, and I want my kids to know that there is a time for doing chores and cleaning up our messes. But I no longer want to be a slave to a to-do list. Instead, I want to enjoy impromptu play with Carli more often, and fully allow myself to be a part of her little world.

My typical play 6 years ago. My motto for most of my 20’s was YOLO

More grace

I’m hard on myself, and this has gotten much worse after becoming a mom. I am quick to put blame on myself, especially if Carli is acting out. I compare myself to other moms and judge myself for things that are sometimes out of my control. I’ll call myself a pushover mom, fault myself for not being confident enough in my ability to raise her well, and make myself believe that I’m a bad parent because my own parenting and discipline style is different from someone else. I’m always questioning myself- am I doing this right? Maybe that mom is doing it better.   

I’ve had to step back from this and really look at the big picture. All kids are different and there are lots of different parenting styles. I’m doing what I believe is best for my two-year old. She is a lot like me and we both have very strong personalities- and are both very strong-willed! It’s going to be a challenge to raise her with her headstrong personality (now I truly believe in karma- sorry mom), but if I can help her channel all that energy and determination she has toward a positive direction, I have no doubt she’ll grow into a strong young woman. I just have to give both myself (and her- especially when she is a teenager) a lot more grace.

Nights used to always end like this…

 

….And now they end like this